I find your position credible, respectable and highly unenviable. I too have left churches in the past and even though these people are supposed to show the love of Jesus, they’re all too quick to show you their back. That is genuinely hurtful and is a blight on the church in general that this is how people are often treated. I was driving around today thinking about you and the hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” came to mind. Particularly the last verse:
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above.
If you’d like the strictly relevant audio it’s here . This is performed by Mumford and Sons who I really like.
The lines “Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love” really stuck out for me. You used to love this God which you now say doesn’t exist. This post for me was particularly impactful as it appears at a time when you have made your decision and you are experiencing the fallout. That is a major adjustment for your psyche so it must be difficult to get your bearings after that. I cover this type of thing in another post, I refer to it as Foundational Unprovables, as these are the things that form the basis by which all other things are judged and you had a crisis of faith where you felt the need to alter or discard these foundational concepts that you were living your life by. I was thinking about what that would be like for me and I know it would be exceedingly difficult process to go through, so to have most of your friends ditch you in that process must have been additionally traumatic, so for that I am sorry for you.
I am also reminded of the parable of the lost sheep. Jesus left the 99 to go look for the one. That means he is looking for you right now. Please keep an eye out for the shepherd… even though you don’t believe in him.